Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Growing up, growing apart, and one best friend.

So this is going to be a sappy / depressing / disparaging post - and yes I know, it's terribly uncool - but I've never really been that concerned about it, so deal with it.

Well, I've come to realize that my (previous? ex? once?) best friend has sort of given up on me, or on us. Years of mocking other people, taking masses of ridiculously staged photographs and eating tons of junk food just couldn't save us from growing up and growing apart it seems. It's been this way for several months when I come to think of it, but at least several months ago we were still talking. Honestly, it's pretty ill-timed, since college is supposed to be the most awesome time of your life - or not, whatever.

Heck, I love my college - and I love what I'm going here for - but what good is all that when my once-upon-a-time best friend wants nothing to really do with me? Sure sure, I could just go and pick out a new one - maybe a slightly flashier one, with less mileage and a wicked wardrobe to borrow from. That'd be the easy way out of this situation. However, it's come to my attention that I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And she sort of accepted all the dramatic flaws and insensible opinions with little, if any, complaint. That's pretty hard to come by, I'd say.

I had tried to persuade her to leave our small-town-roots for awhile, to come see what the slightly-less-small-town life was like. To no avail, of course. She couldn't possibly leave her boyfriend or family (despite how infrequently they see each other, due to schedule conflicts) to move in with me and enjoy our last years of young-adulthood before we have to become real grown-ups. Of course not. How selfish I was, to think of pulling her away from a monotonous job (that she's never cared for) and a mainly-weekend schedule of seeing her boyfriend (even though they live together).

It was complete madness on my part. I see that now. Because, honestly, after expressing my explicit desire of having her here - things fell apart.

Blame me or expunge me, I'm still minus one dearly sarcastic best friend.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Lucky escapes, therapeutic-creeping and fat-free basking.

Holy crap. I just realized how glad I am that all those could-have-been relationship possibilities did not work out.

Seriously, I don't think I've ever realized how lucky I am that those did not work out. I came to this glorious realization while perusing those specifically-left-unnamed-persons' Facebook pages. And wow. They're complete morons. I really think I might have some mismanaged poor-taste-in-potential-choices issues. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. It appears I wasn't. Thank the gods that those potentialities either fizzled or migrated away. Because I'd be screwed in an uncomfortable way if they'd actually taken root, and had ended up fostering grossly ignorant illegitimate stupid infant attachment seedlings.

Even thinking of it makes me shudder. I was like this close (on several occasions) to being one half of an ugly (hairy, cancerous, 3-dimensional) mole on the face of global coupledom. For real, people.

I don't think I've ever realized just how reprehensible most of the guys my age are. I mean, honestly, what the hell guys? And wow, I really really don't know how to pick them. Or I do. If by "pick them" I refer to choosing the most dishonest, slovenly, two-faced future-alcoholics known to humankind. If I mean that, then damn, I'm good. Be jealous, y'all.

I think I cherish my singlehood much more now. And I think everyone should put aside their actual responsibilities for an hour once in awhile, and engage in a session of therapeutic-creeping. It is most definitely worth it.

Seriously, just look up those snotty bitches you hated in school/at work/etc, or those losers who dumped you - and just bask in how absolutely moronic they are. It will lift your spirits like no better-than-sex-cake ever has. And this way you won't gain an ounce.

You're welcome.

Relationships are really just ridiculous if you think about it. I mean, we all spend the first what - two months? - trying to be exactly what that special-somebody is looking for. Then we get comfortable and just give up trying at all. Awesome. What guy doesn't love his now hairy-legged girlfriend who no longer feels compelled to dress to impress? Or what girl doesn't want to be with her now paunch-stomached boyfriend who no long feels inhibited to hide his bodily functions in front of her?

Fairytale romance, y'all.

Projects, skull pants and academic hell.

Well, well. Life seems to have caught up to me and stolen all of my time recently. Life is a bitch; a thieving, conniving one at that.

So, I was being such a purposeful grown-up today. I totally went all the way to campus and talked to my group member about our project. Like for real real. I put effort into questions and even decided to retake a test that I did horrendously on from weeks ago from another class. To add even more gold stars to my fabulously school-heavy day (on a day when I have no school normally!), I even went to the library to get articles printed off that I didn't even need yet.

I'm pretty sure a small planet just exploded somewhere in the solar system.

However, now I'm sitting around in purple pj pants (with freaking awesome skull details), surfing the internet and avoiding studying for a test... that is tomorrow. Afternoon. Don't judge me, I've got time people.

School is hell right now though. I think Spring is the official time of demon activity, and people are just bullshitting us in the Fall. Honestly, the last few weeks of the Spring semester suck royally, and not in the fun way either. It's like cram-cram-cram. Then guess what? Pass out, wake up and do it all again. And again. And again. The never-ending circle of academic sadism.

Tie me up and spank me with a textbook, universe.

There are a lot of sexual innuendos in this post - I think I like it. Rough.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sex, lies and STI colonies.

So, I was thinking about sex earlier - and that is meant in the least sexual way, honestly - and how everyone is so afraid to talk about it - like, really talk about it, in a non-joking / sexual harassment sort of way. And yes, it really can be totally embarrassing to talk about, but isn't that the problem? We let ourselves get so caught up in our fears of being embarrassed, that we just push the subject to the periphery of topics to never be discussed in a serious manner outside of health classes and/or hospitals.

I know that I personally would never discuss my sex life with my family, ever ever ever (times infinity). But I also know that it's hugely important to discuss with one's lover/partner/random hook up/etc-you-get-the-point-I'm-trying-to-make. I also know that it often isn't discussed enough, or very thoroughly.

So I'm not saying anyone should ever do a play-by-play of their sex history with the person they're with - because that's just so uncalled for, and will probably kill your relationship (or on the flip-side totally turn your partner on, in which case - awesome for you ((I'd totally ask them first though - as to avoid the above noted problem.)). For most of us, however, it'd be like having hot wax slowly and deliberately dripped onto our eyeballs, not fun.

I just think people should be honest about sexual things. For instance, if you've slept with several people, own up to it - don't just bullshit your way past the point - because that will likely cause problems later, such as when you're all "No, I picked this up from a public toilet seat years ago, I swear." Nobody is buying it. I promise.

And really, what's that embarrassing about the whole thing? Honestly, if you've both had sex before, who are you trying to keep face for? Your opinion (and feelings) for that person shouldn't change if you find out they've been with someone else, I mean - unless it was while you were dating of course (then stab away at them) ((Honestly, I'm kidding.)).

And if your partner won't talk about their history or doesn't want to hear yours, then dump them - because they've obviously got an ulterior agenda. Like infecting you with chlamydia - in order to ultimately sterilize you. Those bastards.

Sex is a really complicated issue, and maybe you shouldn't take my advice - I mean, I've only been in a couple very failed relationships, so what would I know? (Except a lot about being lied to - and how shitty it is, people.)

Sex can totally be amazing when it's with the right person, at the right time in your life and when you trust that that person is being totally honest about where their privates have previously been. That last one really is important - because I doubt anyone wants to later find out they're growing an STI colony on their peep or in their vag.

So, be safe - ask questions and use protection. Also? Get tested regularly, because people do lie. A lot, and with great frequency. You may love them, they may be your best friend, you may have been dating them since you were in high school and you were eachothers firsts - but they may still be hiding something from you.

Find out, because your first allegiance is always to yourself and your own health.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Tired, guestless and filled with pizza.

So, I am honestly too tired to be writing a post - but I cannot sleep. I'm being taunted by half-waking dreams of extremely attractive people, who are obviously out of my reach. It's kind of cruel of my own mind to play tricks on itself, but apparently even sleeping pills are not helping. Seriously, messed up.

Anywho, I just got an invitation to a dear friend's wedding for August 7th - and it's all "you can bring a guest" (insert swirly, cursive font and cherry-blossomy tree decoratives). Now I feel pressured to find somebody to go with - when I hadn't even planned to bring a date when I'd found out she was getting married in the first place. It's a little taunting as well (taking tips from my dreams?).

It was an odd day today though - I even broke down and ordered pizza (shame, shame on me). I'm totally going to do extra sit-ups and yogaing tomorrow to make up for it - and I'm going to do it happily (sort of). Exercise does make you feel good afterwards - but I think it's just the accelerated heart rate and light headedness, which I like. A lot. Probably in an unhealthy way, but whatever health-lover-people, screw you and your judgements.

I'm going to go pass out now, even though it's not really that late - however, my body thinks it's 4 am after a long night of dirty love making.

Night y'all.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Mini-meltdowns, judgements and lessons learned

So I'm having a mini-meltdown - the first one in several weeks, which is probably a huge step forward for me - but man, can a few words really bring a girl down.

And this really teaches one about talking to their
loved ones, for sure.

You know, I wasn't the most morally obligated teenager - so what? Who doesn't have regrets from that time in their lives? I have plenty. Plenty. And yes, I dressed a little risqué. My tops were low, and I was proud to show off what I had - who doesn't do that in high school? But you know what? I grew up. Ta-da. It happens, and for once I wish that I got some credit for doing so. I'm not running around practically falling out of my tops anymore, nor am I so desperate for attention - I'm just trying to live a life, my life. And for gods sake, I wish that my family would just get on board and stop bringing up the past. I am not that girl anymore, I'm not even a shadow of that girl.

I'm growing, I'm evolving - just like everyone else. So why is it that they can acknowledge everyone else's changes, but mine?

I know that this was kind of a ranting/pathetic/ridiculous post, but so be it. I'm a little emotionally unstable right now, thanks mom.

Lesson: Nobody should have the right to judge you based on the person you were years ago, the person you no longer resemble inside (and to some extent, outside).

And when they do - cry, get pissed and angry-blog. It's actually pretty relieving.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Creepers, dating and nagging grannies.

Does anyone out there ever feel like they've got a loser-magnet hiding somewhere within their body? Because lately, I feel that way. Probably because loserish men keep hitting on me / relentlessly asking me out, even after direct negatives are given to them. It's really quite odd, because I've just recently decided to not date at all - and now the creepers are squirming out of the woodwork to annoy the living crap out of me. I decided to not date, not because I find all of humanity too vile to date or anything - but because I sort of need to focus on me, and only me. It's not really fair to anyone if I date them when I'm still working on figuring myself out - I mean, it's kind of cruel to lead people on like that (I think). Although, it can be fun post-breakup (not that I would know, of course - because I'm way above that).

But seriously, has the creep population doubled? Is there a larva colony outside of the Fargo/Moorhead area just
breeding these guys? I think so. I also think someone needs to get on this shit and go exterminate this place, because honestly no one wants more creepers in the world. Nobody. Even creepers are kind of tired of it - obviously because more of them means less creeper time per creeper, and that's uneconomical for everyone.

Now, if I were going to date anyone, it'd have to be someone super awesome, because I'm super awesome (and the awesome always date the awesome, right?). No? Well, I'm at least sort of cool, by my standards (which are low in the cool department). However, I'm pretty content with the whole single-status, even if it means my grandmother is going to be on my back about being unmarried and childless every damn time I see her. Way to rub in my loneliness Grandma. Seriously. Thanks. It doesn't make it feel worse at all being reminded constantly.


Anywho, dating. Yeah, it's
pretty sweet when it's not sucking the life out of you or devouring your soul. I'm kind of more glad to be single after having written that sentence, for sure.

Well, have a good next date with your creepers, people. Cheers.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Friends, family and semi-useless knowledge.

So I was trying to come up with a super, trendy "cool" post earlier - and guess what happened? Nothing. Well, okay, I did write some stuff - some really crappy stuff, but it was writing still, right?

Anywho, I saw the most beautiful sunset last night while I was traveling back from home. It was unnaturally pink. Most likely because I was still wearing my sunglasses. You'd think someone would have told me it wasn't bright anymore. No one did, because they obviously knew the sunset would be prettier for me in pink. Thoughtful. Presumptive, but thoughtful.

Which leads me to more important things (
well, the sun is super important...). I just want to address some exemplary things in my life, and show that while it doesn't always seem like I care, that I do - and I don't want to take all of it for granted all the time - just you know, when I'm being human and careless.

For me, in my life, I've got my (limited) cache of friends, my (dysfunctional) family and of course, my mass of (semi-useless) knowledge. These are the things that I think are most important to me - because I
need those specific people in my life. Those are the dear souls who keep me from permanently floating off into the never-never-land in the recesses of my chaotic mind - and trust me, you don't want to vacation in that black hole. And, Knowledge, you mysterious minx, you keep me on my toes and ready for battle. I thank all the pretty green things on the plant that education has been available to me throughout my life, because honestly it's a precious gift. And when it comes to people who want to remain completely ignorant of everything in life, I just want to jump off a cliff. Preferably with sharp rocks or something beneath them (I don't want to suffer). It just kills me that people take the journey for knowledge for granted all the damned time - and yes, I do blame you and your ignorance for homicidally trying to kill me as well (so knock it off).
(I didn't want to jump, you made me.)

So, to the cosmos, I tip my glass in your honour for dealing me a starting hand consisting of a family that, while obnoxious and often defective, has been my rock and guiding light through all the pitfalls and hailstorms. And thank the stars that my friends have stuck by me, because I've been a real bitch to every single one of them at some point or another - and by gods, it's surprising they've not run far, far away from this mess. I know I would have. They're a tough lot.

So, here's to being thankful for what you've got in life.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Re-evaluations, Ohno and good-mojo.

For the past several years I've let myself fall into not only a rut, but a self-pitying rut. I defined my entire being on the doom and gloom of my horrific 1 year 7 month relationship to a total douche bag. I not only defined myself thusly, but I let others define me that way - and define me they did. Of course, I wasn't exactly throwing out alternatives for them to bind to, now was I?

Recently I've begun to re-evaluate my own identity - and boy, are there a lot of cobwebs in that attic. Honestly, the thing that seems to have stimulated my road to change has actually been, and I joke you not, the 2010 Olympic games. Now, I know what you're thinking - what the f? Well, the endurance and courage of the athletes is way impressive - but that had so very little to do with it. What did? Twitter. Apolo Ohno's twitter, to be exact. And yes, we all know he is that cute - however, it was all the positive stuff that that guy posts that kind of drove it home (and his attractiveness certainly didn't hurt things). The good mojo that flows out of his tweets gave me a daily pick-up, and watching him & all the other Olympians compete proved to me that things aren't always a suckfest in the world - people can achieve HUGE things - and so could I, if I just tried to. Because honestly, that's what matters most. Winning is freaking awesome, no duh - but being ballsy enough to try - that takes real effort; good things won't just happen. And ta-da, I'm now a newly inducted good-mojo-convert.

I won't guarantee constant pep - I'm no human-motivational-poster like Apolo is, but I damn sure am going to try to be at least a motivational-button.

So, welcome to the new chapter in my life people. Hoorah.