Lucky escapes, therapeutic-creeping and fat-free basking.

Holy crap. I just realized how glad I am that all those could-have-been relationship possibilities did not work out.

Seriously, I don't think I've ever realized how lucky I am that those did not work out. I came to this glorious realization while perusing those specifically-left-unnamed-persons' Facebook pages. And wow. They're complete morons. I really think I might have some mismanaged poor-taste-in-potential-choices issues. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. It appears I wasn't. Thank the gods that those potentialities either fizzled or migrated away. Because I'd be screwed in an uncomfortable way if they'd actually taken root, and had ended up fostering grossly ignorant illegitimate stupid infant attachment seedlings.

Even thinking of it makes me shudder. I was like this close (on several occasions) to being one half of an ugly (hairy, cancerous, 3-dimensional) mole on the face of global coupledom. For real, people.

I don't think I've ever realized just how reprehensible most of the guys my age are. I mean, honestly, what the hell guys? And wow, I really really don't know how to pick them. Or I do. If by "pick them" I refer to choosing the most dishonest, slovenly, two-faced future-alcoholics known to humankind. If I mean that, then damn, I'm good. Be jealous, y'all.

I think I cherish my singlehood much more now. And I think everyone should put aside their actual responsibilities for an hour once in awhile, and engage in a session of therapeutic-creeping. It is most definitely worth it.

Seriously, just look up those snotty bitches you hated in school/at work/etc, or those losers who dumped you - and just bask in how absolutely moronic they are. It will lift your spirits like no better-than-sex-cake ever has. And this way you won't gain an ounce.

You're welcome.

Relationships are really just ridiculous if you think about it. I mean, we all spend the first what - two months? - trying to be exactly what that special-somebody is looking for. Then we get comfortable and just give up trying at all. Awesome. What guy doesn't love his now hairy-legged girlfriend who no longer feels compelled to dress to impress? Or what girl doesn't want to be with her now paunch-stomached boyfriend who no long feels inhibited to hide his bodily functions in front of her?

Fairytale romance, y'all.

Sex, lies and STI colonies.

So, I was thinking about sex earlier - and that is meant in the least sexual way, honestly - and how everyone is so afraid to talk about it - like, really talk about it, in a non-joking / sexual harassment sort of way. And yes, it really can be totally embarrassing to talk about, but isn't that the problem? We let ourselves get so caught up in our fears of being embarrassed, that we just push the subject to the periphery of topics to never be discussed in a serious manner outside of health classes and/or hospitals.

I know that I personally would never discuss my sex life with my family, ever ever ever (times infinity). But I also know that it's hugely important to discuss with one's lover/partner/random hook up/etc-you-get-the-point-I'm-trying-to-make. I also know that it often isn't discussed enough, or very thoroughly.

So I'm not saying anyone should ever do a play-by-play of their sex history with the person they're with - because that's just so uncalled for, and will probably kill your relationship (or on the flip-side totally turn your partner on, in which case - awesome for you ((I'd totally ask them first though - as to avoid the above noted problem.)). For most of us, however, it'd be like having hot wax slowly and deliberately dripped onto our eyeballs, not fun.

I just think people should be honest about sexual things. For instance, if you've slept with several people, own up to it - don't just bullshit your way past the point - because that will likely cause problems later, such as when you're all "No, I picked this up from a public toilet seat years ago, I swear." Nobody is buying it. I promise.

And really, what's that embarrassing about the whole thing? Honestly, if you've both had sex before, who are you trying to keep face for? Your opinion (and feelings) for that person shouldn't change if you find out they've been with someone else, I mean - unless it was while you were dating of course (then stab away at them) ((Honestly, I'm kidding.)).

And if your partner won't talk about their history or doesn't want to hear yours, then dump them - because they've obviously got an ulterior agenda. Like infecting you with chlamydia - in order to ultimately sterilize you. Those bastards.

Sex is a really complicated issue, and maybe you shouldn't take my advice - I mean, I've only been in a couple very failed relationships, so what would I know? (Except a lot about being lied to - and how shitty it is, people.)

Sex can totally be amazing when it's with the right person, at the right time in your life and when you trust that that person is being totally honest about where their privates have previously been. That last one really is important - because I doubt anyone wants to later find out they're growing an STI colony on their peep or in their vag.

So, be safe - ask questions and use protection. Also? Get tested regularly, because people do lie. A lot, and with great frequency. You may love them, they may be your best friend, you may have been dating them since you were in high school and you were eachothers firsts - but they may still be hiding something from you.

Find out, because your first allegiance is always to yourself and your own health.