Engagement-ring heist, abnormality and social convention.

I've decided that trying to get into beach body condition is hard. I still feel flabtastic, but I also feel healthier, so I guess that's okay. And-

Wait a second - hold on -

OKAY. That's it people. If one more person I know gets engaged I'm going to go on an engagement-ring heist. Understand? For Pete's sake.

Sigh.

Okay. I'm done raving over that tidbit. Really. Sort of.

But it does seem as if everyone keeps telling me how natural, how normal it is for someone my age to be single. Then why, may I ask, is it that everyone else my age seems to be not only in a committed relationship, but also tying that oh-so-sacred knot as well? Are you honestly telling me that I'm the normal one and everyone else is abnormal? That seems a bit far fetched. And trust me, I love far fetched tales, but this one seems a bit stretched even for my tastes.

So world, I'm pretty sure that it's mostly abnormal for someone my age to be single - and to have been, for the most part, single for two years prior to this moment. Awesome.

Well, I guess I never have been one for maintaining social conventions. So this isn't anything terribly new for me. I suppose I will survive - survive right into my grey-cat-years, that is.

(Take that, Grandma.)

But seriously, it's not so bad being single. I have a lot more me time, which I adore - of course. Being mildly self-centered helps in that regard. Plus I get to peruse for cute people any time I want, without feeling any guilt afterwards. Huzzah. Also? I can do anything I want for myself, and not have to consult with anyone else about it. Chya. That's pretty fabulous if you ask me, which I know you were going to.

Of course, there are downsides too - like being lonely. But then I remember how awesome I am, and I just talk to myself. Problem solved.

Overall, I'm still a little sleep deprived from the past few nights of insomnia, so I'm not entirely sure writing this was a wise decision. If you walk away from this with anything meaningful, congratulations.

Growing up, growing apart, and one best friend.

So this is going to be a sappy / depressing / disparaging post - and yes I know, it's terribly uncool - but I've never really been that concerned about it, so deal with it.

Well, I've come to realize that my (previous? ex? once?) best friend has sort of given up on me, or on us. Years of mocking other people, taking masses of ridiculously staged photographs and eating tons of junk food just couldn't save us from growing up and growing apart it seems. It's been this way for several months when I come to think of it, but at least several months ago we were still talking. Honestly, it's pretty ill-timed, since college is supposed to be the most awesome time of your life - or not, whatever.

Heck, I love my college - and I love what I'm going here for - but what good is all that when my once-upon-a-time best friend wants nothing to really do with me? Sure sure, I could just go and pick out a new one - maybe a slightly flashier one, with less mileage and a wicked wardrobe to borrow from. That'd be the easy way out of this situation. However, it's come to my attention that I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And she sort of accepted all the dramatic flaws and insensible opinions with little, if any, complaint. That's pretty hard to come by, I'd say.

I had tried to persuade her to leave our small-town-roots for awhile, to come see what the slightly-less-small-town life was like. To no avail, of course. She couldn't possibly leave her boyfriend or family (despite how infrequently they see each other, due to schedule conflicts) to move in with me and enjoy our last years of young-adulthood before we have to become real grown-ups. Of course not. How selfish I was, to think of pulling her away from a monotonous job (that she's never cared for) and a mainly-weekend schedule of seeing her boyfriend (even though they live together).

It was complete madness on my part. I see that now. Because, honestly, after expressing my explicit desire of having her here - things fell apart.

Blame me or expunge me, I'm still minus one dearly sarcastic best friend.

Lucky escapes, therapeutic-creeping and fat-free basking.

Holy crap. I just realized how glad I am that all those could-have-been relationship possibilities did not work out.

Seriously, I don't think I've ever realized how lucky I am that those did not work out. I came to this glorious realization while perusing those specifically-left-unnamed-persons' Facebook pages. And wow. They're complete morons. I really think I might have some mismanaged poor-taste-in-potential-choices issues. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. It appears I wasn't. Thank the gods that those potentialities either fizzled or migrated away. Because I'd be screwed in an uncomfortable way if they'd actually taken root, and had ended up fostering grossly ignorant illegitimate stupid infant attachment seedlings.

Even thinking of it makes me shudder. I was like this close (on several occasions) to being one half of an ugly (hairy, cancerous, 3-dimensional) mole on the face of global coupledom. For real, people.

I don't think I've ever realized just how reprehensible most of the guys my age are. I mean, honestly, what the hell guys? And wow, I really really don't know how to pick them. Or I do. If by "pick them" I refer to choosing the most dishonest, slovenly, two-faced future-alcoholics known to humankind. If I mean that, then damn, I'm good. Be jealous, y'all.

I think I cherish my singlehood much more now. And I think everyone should put aside their actual responsibilities for an hour once in awhile, and engage in a session of therapeutic-creeping. It is most definitely worth it.

Seriously, just look up those snotty bitches you hated in school/at work/etc, or those losers who dumped you - and just bask in how absolutely moronic they are. It will lift your spirits like no better-than-sex-cake ever has. And this way you won't gain an ounce.

You're welcome.

Relationships are really just ridiculous if you think about it. I mean, we all spend the first what - two months? - trying to be exactly what that special-somebody is looking for. Then we get comfortable and just give up trying at all. Awesome. What guy doesn't love his now hairy-legged girlfriend who no longer feels compelled to dress to impress? Or what girl doesn't want to be with her now paunch-stomached boyfriend who no long feels inhibited to hide his bodily functions in front of her?

Fairytale romance, y'all.

Sex, lies and STI colonies.

So, I was thinking about sex earlier - and that is meant in the least sexual way, honestly - and how everyone is so afraid to talk about it - like, really talk about it, in a non-joking / sexual harassment sort of way. And yes, it really can be totally embarrassing to talk about, but isn't that the problem? We let ourselves get so caught up in our fears of being embarrassed, that we just push the subject to the periphery of topics to never be discussed in a serious manner outside of health classes and/or hospitals.

I know that I personally would never discuss my sex life with my family, ever ever ever (times infinity). But I also know that it's hugely important to discuss with one's lover/partner/random hook up/etc-you-get-the-point-I'm-trying-to-make. I also know that it often isn't discussed enough, or very thoroughly.

So I'm not saying anyone should ever do a play-by-play of their sex history with the person they're with - because that's just so uncalled for, and will probably kill your relationship (or on the flip-side totally turn your partner on, in which case - awesome for you ((I'd totally ask them first though - as to avoid the above noted problem.)). For most of us, however, it'd be like having hot wax slowly and deliberately dripped onto our eyeballs, not fun.

I just think people should be honest about sexual things. For instance, if you've slept with several people, own up to it - don't just bullshit your way past the point - because that will likely cause problems later, such as when you're all "No, I picked this up from a public toilet seat years ago, I swear." Nobody is buying it. I promise.

And really, what's that embarrassing about the whole thing? Honestly, if you've both had sex before, who are you trying to keep face for? Your opinion (and feelings) for that person shouldn't change if you find out they've been with someone else, I mean - unless it was while you were dating of course (then stab away at them) ((Honestly, I'm kidding.)).

And if your partner won't talk about their history or doesn't want to hear yours, then dump them - because they've obviously got an ulterior agenda. Like infecting you with chlamydia - in order to ultimately sterilize you. Those bastards.

Sex is a really complicated issue, and maybe you shouldn't take my advice - I mean, I've only been in a couple very failed relationships, so what would I know? (Except a lot about being lied to - and how shitty it is, people.)

Sex can totally be amazing when it's with the right person, at the right time in your life and when you trust that that person is being totally honest about where their privates have previously been. That last one really is important - because I doubt anyone wants to later find out they're growing an STI colony on their peep or in their vag.

So, be safe - ask questions and use protection. Also? Get tested regularly, because people do lie. A lot, and with great frequency. You may love them, they may be your best friend, you may have been dating them since you were in high school and you were eachothers firsts - but they may still be hiding something from you.

Find out, because your first allegiance is always to yourself and your own health.