Loss.

So, it's been months (literally) since I've blogged. I would say I apologize, but I'm not at all sorry for the intervening months.

On June 16, 2010 my dad passed away.

I really haven't come to terms with that, nor do I think I can really comprehend that it really happened.

I don't want to abandon my original goal for this blog however - to really get to a place, internally, where I'm happy with myself.

Obviously, this has set me backwards - pushed me backwards is probably more accurate. - But more than that, it's like my entire world (and the world that every member of my family belongs to) has been plunged into darkness. I cannot honestly say I wake up glad to "just be alive" every morning - some days are more difficult, while others are almost bearable.

I do know that I'm glad I am alive, because he isn't. He can't experience the warmth of the sun, the wet of the rain, or the cold of the wind anymore. It's hard to even wrap my head around. It doesn't make sense, none of this does - nothing that has happened in the past few months has any rhyme, or reason.

I can't change what happened. There really is nothing else to do, but endure, survive, live.

So that's my message today: Live.

Live now, because you don't always have as much time as you imagine.

Hell beasts, hyperventilation and greatest fears confirmed.

The morning from Hell.

I mean that quite literally.

After having finally fallen asleep at 2 in-the-goddamn-A.M. I was awoken three minutes to 5 in-the-holy-hell-A.M. by the sensation that something was c-r-a-w-l-i-n-g on me. Oh gods. It turned out to be true! I have never moved so fast in my whole life! I was up, I had my Home Defender spray in my hand in seconds and I let loose on my couch like it was WWIII and that spider was the ENEMY! It was no small pin-sized beast either!

I am forever scarred. Forever. And ever and ever and ever.

Now I'm up, showered and dressed and it's not even 6. Holy hell. I don't have to be to class until 9. I'm so fucking hyped up on fear and adrenaline right now, people. I'm pretty sure this must be my ultimate fear/paranoia/scenario-where-I-die.

At this point, I wish I was on Xanax. Because I can't stop hyperventilating and I cannot pass out - I will not be unconscious again - ever.

Holy HELL, PEOPLE.

Engagement-ring heist, abnormality and social convention.

I've decided that trying to get into beach body condition is hard. I still feel flabtastic, but I also feel healthier, so I guess that's okay. And-

Wait a second - hold on -

OKAY. That's it people. If one more person I know gets engaged I'm going to go on an engagement-ring heist. Understand? For Pete's sake.

Sigh.

Okay. I'm done raving over that tidbit. Really. Sort of.

But it does seem as if everyone keeps telling me how natural, how normal it is for someone my age to be single. Then why, may I ask, is it that everyone else my age seems to be not only in a committed relationship, but also tying that oh-so-sacred knot as well? Are you honestly telling me that I'm the normal one and everyone else is abnormal? That seems a bit far fetched. And trust me, I love far fetched tales, but this one seems a bit stretched even for my tastes.

So world, I'm pretty sure that it's mostly abnormal for someone my age to be single - and to have been, for the most part, single for two years prior to this moment. Awesome.

Well, I guess I never have been one for maintaining social conventions. So this isn't anything terribly new for me. I suppose I will survive - survive right into my grey-cat-years, that is.

(Take that, Grandma.)

But seriously, it's not so bad being single. I have a lot more me time, which I adore - of course. Being mildly self-centered helps in that regard. Plus I get to peruse for cute people any time I want, without feeling any guilt afterwards. Huzzah. Also? I can do anything I want for myself, and not have to consult with anyone else about it. Chya. That's pretty fabulous if you ask me, which I know you were going to.

Of course, there are downsides too - like being lonely. But then I remember how awesome I am, and I just talk to myself. Problem solved.

Overall, I'm still a little sleep deprived from the past few nights of insomnia, so I'm not entirely sure writing this was a wise decision. If you walk away from this with anything meaningful, congratulations.

Tired, guestless and filled with pizza.

So, I am honestly too tired to be writing a post - but I cannot sleep. I'm being taunted by half-waking dreams of extremely attractive people, who are obviously out of my reach. It's kind of cruel of my own mind to play tricks on itself, but apparently even sleeping pills are not helping. Seriously, messed up.

Anywho, I just got an invitation to a dear friend's wedding for August 7th - and it's all "you can bring a guest" (insert swirly, cursive font and cherry-blossomy tree decoratives). Now I feel pressured to find somebody to go with - when I hadn't even planned to bring a date when I'd found out she was getting married in the first place. It's a little taunting as well (taking tips from my dreams?).

It was an odd day today though - I even broke down and ordered pizza (shame, shame on me). I'm totally going to do extra sit-ups and yogaing tomorrow to make up for it - and I'm going to do it happily (sort of). Exercise does make you feel good afterwards - but I think it's just the accelerated heart rate and light headedness, which I like. A lot. Probably in an unhealthy way, but whatever health-lover-people, screw you and your judgements.

I'm going to go pass out now, even though it's not really that late - however, my body thinks it's 4 am after a long night of dirty love making.

Night y'all.