Suicide Is Never The Answer.

So, I started this post with some lofty ideas and some emotional disturbances, but then I began typing it out - and none of it made sense (outside of myself - and even I was having a hard time deciphering). Instead of trying to sound it out in a soft blanket of dictation, I'm just going to address that which is uncomfortable - and socially unacceptable to discuss aloud.

But I have to discuss it, regularly. Because it has happened to me, to my family.

I'm talking about suicide - the secret that isn't so secretive anymore these days. We're groomed to shy away from the term; the concept is unbearable to think about, therefore we don't discuss it.

However, I am a suicide survivor.

This does not mean that I, myself, have attempted to commit suicide and survived the attempt. Instead, this phrase refers to the fact that I have survived a loved one who has committed suicide.

My father left us in June, and it is the hardest thing in the world to be the ones that are left behind - abandoned by someone that they loved so dearly.

It is not fair, it is not logical. I wont sugarcoat that. I cant say that everyone experiences this sort of event the same - on the contrary, even within my own family, we've all been trying to deal with the loss of my dad differently. No two people grieve in the same way - so don't let anyone tell you differently.

And really, this is not a topic that I rush to discuss, but I cant get the words out of myself verbally, so perhaps this is a venue in which I can try to unleash some of my confusion, resentment and outright rage.

I have shied away from talking about my dad in the past few months, because I imagine that if I talk about him like he's gone, then it makes it all the more real to admit that he really is gone. And I get so angry to think that he's never going to walk through the door covered in mud (he was a dry waller, so I mean that sort of mud) and dust.

It's even more complicated because I'm not an outright emotional person - at least, in expressing them. I feel things to an acute degree, but generally reserve emotional outbursts for the quiet solitude of my bedroom, or some other secluded spot. It worries people in my family, which is a just assumption - and perhaps I'm not dealing with this in the healthiest manner, but I am trying.

Every day is lived moment to moment, breath to breath.

It's exhausting to just exist, but add in a full course load, a part time job and the stress of ensuring that my mom is doing okay - and you get the heaviest stupor imaginable.

I have made some time for me - I went to a Seether concert in August, I just attended the Renaissances Festival last weekend, and I try to read my favourite blogs for an uplifting twist to my week.

I feel scrambled most of the time (something resembling this entire blog post, actually). And, of course, I still have to deal with new disappointments, endings, beginnings and pains that, while incomparable, only compile upon the constant stream of stress that I live within.

I really have strayed away from my original message for this post - but I'm not sorry that I did, sometimes all that is needed is talking (verbally or nonverbally is really not that important).

The main thing is: no one is alone - because there is always someone out there willing to listen. So please, if you learn nothing else from this rambling mess, please take away from this the message that you are not alone.

If you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself or are contemplating suicide, please call your local crisis center, because you are not alone in this.

Sex, lies and STI colonies.

So, I was thinking about sex earlier - and that is meant in the least sexual way, honestly - and how everyone is so afraid to talk about it - like, really talk about it, in a non-joking / sexual harassment sort of way. And yes, it really can be totally embarrassing to talk about, but isn't that the problem? We let ourselves get so caught up in our fears of being embarrassed, that we just push the subject to the periphery of topics to never be discussed in a serious manner outside of health classes and/or hospitals.

I know that I personally would never discuss my sex life with my family, ever ever ever (times infinity). But I also know that it's hugely important to discuss with one's lover/partner/random hook up/etc-you-get-the-point-I'm-trying-to-make. I also know that it often isn't discussed enough, or very thoroughly.

So I'm not saying anyone should ever do a play-by-play of their sex history with the person they're with - because that's just so uncalled for, and will probably kill your relationship (or on the flip-side totally turn your partner on, in which case - awesome for you ((I'd totally ask them first though - as to avoid the above noted problem.)). For most of us, however, it'd be like having hot wax slowly and deliberately dripped onto our eyeballs, not fun.

I just think people should be honest about sexual things. For instance, if you've slept with several people, own up to it - don't just bullshit your way past the point - because that will likely cause problems later, such as when you're all "No, I picked this up from a public toilet seat years ago, I swear." Nobody is buying it. I promise.

And really, what's that embarrassing about the whole thing? Honestly, if you've both had sex before, who are you trying to keep face for? Your opinion (and feelings) for that person shouldn't change if you find out they've been with someone else, I mean - unless it was while you were dating of course (then stab away at them) ((Honestly, I'm kidding.)).

And if your partner won't talk about their history or doesn't want to hear yours, then dump them - because they've obviously got an ulterior agenda. Like infecting you with chlamydia - in order to ultimately sterilize you. Those bastards.

Sex is a really complicated issue, and maybe you shouldn't take my advice - I mean, I've only been in a couple very failed relationships, so what would I know? (Except a lot about being lied to - and how shitty it is, people.)

Sex can totally be amazing when it's with the right person, at the right time in your life and when you trust that that person is being totally honest about where their privates have previously been. That last one really is important - because I doubt anyone wants to later find out they're growing an STI colony on their peep or in their vag.

So, be safe - ask questions and use protection. Also? Get tested regularly, because people do lie. A lot, and with great frequency. You may love them, they may be your best friend, you may have been dating them since you were in high school and you were eachothers firsts - but they may still be hiding something from you.

Find out, because your first allegiance is always to yourself and your own health.