Loss.

So, it's been months (literally) since I've blogged. I would say I apologize, but I'm not at all sorry for the intervening months.

On June 16, 2010 my dad passed away.

I really haven't come to terms with that, nor do I think I can really comprehend that it really happened.

I don't want to abandon my original goal for this blog however - to really get to a place, internally, where I'm happy with myself.

Obviously, this has set me backwards - pushed me backwards is probably more accurate. - But more than that, it's like my entire world (and the world that every member of my family belongs to) has been plunged into darkness. I cannot honestly say I wake up glad to "just be alive" every morning - some days are more difficult, while others are almost bearable.

I do know that I'm glad I am alive, because he isn't. He can't experience the warmth of the sun, the wet of the rain, or the cold of the wind anymore. It's hard to even wrap my head around. It doesn't make sense, none of this does - nothing that has happened in the past few months has any rhyme, or reason.

I can't change what happened. There really is nothing else to do, but endure, survive, live.

So that's my message today: Live.

Live now, because you don't always have as much time as you imagine.

Supported, thankful and incredibly grateful.

So I'm taking a minute to count down my days till I'm done with this school year, and then I'll be back in the safe confines of my hometown.

Three.

Only three days.

I'm shocked, excited, nostalgic, perplexed and antsy all at the same time. I cannot believe this year has finally gotten over with - but I'm also shocked that it's over already. It's like having a duel timeline living inside my brain.

This has been the hardest year of my academic life, because coupled with a more challenging school environment - I was also faced with living alone for the first time ever, in a new city, where I knew so few people it was nearly ridiculous to have come at all.

But I did grow as a person. I found out I could do it, and that I wasn't helpless on my own. I'm a capable person; I'm a resourceful person; I'm able to confront problems and deal with them. These are things that, while I had guessed at before, I'm certain of now. However, I could not have learned any of these things if it weren't for the amazing people in my life.

I really could not have accomplished any of this if it weren't for all of you who've helped me through it - my friends who put up with my whining, bitching and moaning constantly. Those are the people I cannot thank enough, can not adore enough.

If it weren't for your willingness to put up with all my complaints and qualms, I would not have been able to keep (what's left of) my sanity during this extremely confusing time in my life. I know I could not have survived if it weren't for my friends who, even being miles away from me, stayed close to me.

Whether you're a new friend or an old friend, nearby or far away, I say thank you.

Everyone needs a support system, a group of people who they can turn to in times of need, in times of hardship - and I found out who those people are in my life; even if we're not able to always be present in each other's lives in the flesh, we're still able to share our woes and joys via so many other means of communication - whether it's Facebook, Twitter or just old fashioned emails.

I'm so incredibly grateful to have you all in my life, you are absolutely wonderful - each and every one of you.

Lucky escapes, therapeutic-creeping and fat-free basking.

Holy crap. I just realized how glad I am that all those could-have-been relationship possibilities did not work out.

Seriously, I don't think I've ever realized how lucky I am that those did not work out. I came to this glorious realization while perusing those specifically-left-unnamed-persons' Facebook pages. And wow. They're complete morons. I really think I might have some mismanaged poor-taste-in-potential-choices issues. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. It appears I wasn't. Thank the gods that those potentialities either fizzled or migrated away. Because I'd be screwed in an uncomfortable way if they'd actually taken root, and had ended up fostering grossly ignorant illegitimate stupid infant attachment seedlings.

Even thinking of it makes me shudder. I was like this close (on several occasions) to being one half of an ugly (hairy, cancerous, 3-dimensional) mole on the face of global coupledom. For real, people.

I don't think I've ever realized just how reprehensible most of the guys my age are. I mean, honestly, what the hell guys? And wow, I really really don't know how to pick them. Or I do. If by "pick them" I refer to choosing the most dishonest, slovenly, two-faced future-alcoholics known to humankind. If I mean that, then damn, I'm good. Be jealous, y'all.

I think I cherish my singlehood much more now. And I think everyone should put aside their actual responsibilities for an hour once in awhile, and engage in a session of therapeutic-creeping. It is most definitely worth it.

Seriously, just look up those snotty bitches you hated in school/at work/etc, or those losers who dumped you - and just bask in how absolutely moronic they are. It will lift your spirits like no better-than-sex-cake ever has. And this way you won't gain an ounce.

You're welcome.

Relationships are really just ridiculous if you think about it. I mean, we all spend the first what - two months? - trying to be exactly what that special-somebody is looking for. Then we get comfortable and just give up trying at all. Awesome. What guy doesn't love his now hairy-legged girlfriend who no longer feels compelled to dress to impress? Or what girl doesn't want to be with her now paunch-stomached boyfriend who no long feels inhibited to hide his bodily functions in front of her?

Fairytale romance, y'all.

Friends, family and semi-useless knowledge.

So I was trying to come up with a super, trendy "cool" post earlier - and guess what happened? Nothing. Well, okay, I did write some stuff - some really crappy stuff, but it was writing still, right?

Anywho, I saw the most beautiful sunset last night while I was traveling back from home. It was unnaturally pink. Most likely because I was still wearing my sunglasses. You'd think someone would have told me it wasn't bright anymore. No one did, because they obviously knew the sunset would be prettier for me in pink. Thoughtful. Presumptive, but thoughtful.

Which leads me to more important things (well, the sun is super important...). I just want to address some exemplary things in my life, and show that while it doesn't always seem like I care, that I do - and I don't want to take all of it for granted all the time - just you know, when I'm being human and careless.

For me, in my life, I've got my (limited) cache of friends, my (dysfunctional) family and of course, my mass of (semi-useless) knowledge. These are the things that I think are most important to me - because I need those specific people in my life. Those are the dear souls who keep me from permanently floating off into the never-never-land in the recesses of my chaotic mind - and trust me, you don't want to vacation in that black hole. And, Knowledge, you mysterious minx, you keep me on my toes and ready for battle. I thank all the pretty green things on the plant that education has been available to me throughout my life, because honestly it's a precious gift. And when it comes to people who want to remain completely ignorant of everything in life, I just want to jump off a cliff. Preferably with sharp rocks or something beneath them (I don't want to suffer). It just kills me that people take the journey for knowledge for granted all the damned time - and yes, I do blame you and your ignorance for homicidally trying to kill me as well (so knock it off).

(I didn't want to jump, you made me.)

So, to the cosmos, I tip my glass in your honour for dealing me a starting hand consisting of a family that, while obnoxious and often defective, has been my rock and guiding light through all the pitfalls and hailstorms. And thank the stars that my friends have stuck by me, because I've been a real bitch to every single one of them at some point or another - and by gods, it's surprising they've not run far, far away from this mess. I know I would have. They're a tough lot.

So, here's to being thankful for what you've got in life.