Life changing event? Probably not.

But this is still sort of awesome.

So I tweeted this:

And then Peter Facinelli actually followed me! It was only for about a second, because I assume he re-read the message and was like "Screw this."

But still, it's pretty damn cool.


















Here's a link to a larger version of the picture (because it's being a butt and won't work properly):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/neuroticgoddess/5171022054/

To the FB whiners-

So, I'm thinking people need to be less ridiculous and caught up on themselves (says the girl with a personal blog that attempts to pander her life stories to an audience). I mean honestly, I remember high school pretty damn well. That's all I want - to remember it. I do not need daily reminders that people I went to high school with are still acting like they're in high school. Grow up? Move on? Stop crying like a whiny baby?

Too much? Possibly.

Or perhaps not enough?

I know that considering people's feelings is very important, and that we live in an anal-retentive PC culture (I'm guilty as charged majourity of the time!), but when did it come to the point where we forgo honesty in favour of sugar-coating every damn thing in half-constructed lies to make people feel like they're deserving human beings?

I don't think we should start telling kids that they'll end up failing at life, or that their greatest dream better be working as a gas station attendant, because there is no way that Timmy-the-glue-eater is getting into college.

But I am pretty sure that by the time you're in your early twenties that you should be able to handle criticism - and hell, even realistic thinking.

Whoa, whoa, back up the reality-train, right?

Wrong. There is no reason that a college student that is failing every course they have ever attempted to take, should think that they're going to get into Harvard Law any time soon (unless they've got one hell of a rich uncle to buy their way in).

I'm just saying, let's work in at least a little honesty - and stop with all the whining over ever little thing that has ever happened to you. Buck up, and be an adult about some stuff, and the things that you absolutely cannot bare to keep to yourself, well post those in moderation on your FB and Twitter.

Because I guarantee you, there is about 1/60 people that give a damn that that one person you were seeing for roughly .5 seconds dumped you/did you wrong.

And that one person is probably one of your relatives.

One of the nosy ones.

That wants to use the information to hurt you in some way.

That's all I've got to say about it for the moment, but I'm going to leave you with a comment that I put on my own FB that sums up my feelings on this subject quite well...

This message goes out to people on FB who complain that they have such horrendous problems. You’re right that guy/girl/something-or-other WAS a total jerkface loser who totally did NOT deserve you after you spent that whole week with them! And you’re right your mom/dad/sister/brother/third-cousin-with-the-missing-eye IS being a real meanie to you all the time! Jeez. And that teacher? They are DEFINITELY out to get you! I bet you get 100% on tests, and they just go back and change your answers so that you’ll look like a failure! That way they get the chance to endure you *again* the next year, because they have an agenda! …So, to all you people who feel you have a real need to share your ‘issues’ with every single person who doesn’t care, I ask you to stop, because when an actual problem arises in your life – FB will be the last place you’ll want to express it.

Suicide Is Never The Answer.

So, I started this post with some lofty ideas and some emotional disturbances, but then I began typing it out - and none of it made sense (outside of myself - and even I was having a hard time deciphering). Instead of trying to sound it out in a soft blanket of dictation, I'm just going to address that which is uncomfortable - and socially unacceptable to discuss aloud.

But I have to discuss it, regularly. Because it has happened to me, to my family.

I'm talking about suicide - the secret that isn't so secretive anymore these days. We're groomed to shy away from the term; the concept is unbearable to think about, therefore we don't discuss it.

However, I am a suicide survivor.

This does not mean that I, myself, have attempted to commit suicide and survived the attempt. Instead, this phrase refers to the fact that I have survived a loved one who has committed suicide.

My father left us in June, and it is the hardest thing in the world to be the ones that are left behind - abandoned by someone that they loved so dearly.

It is not fair, it is not logical. I wont sugarcoat that. I cant say that everyone experiences this sort of event the same - on the contrary, even within my own family, we've all been trying to deal with the loss of my dad differently. No two people grieve in the same way - so don't let anyone tell you differently.

And really, this is not a topic that I rush to discuss, but I cant get the words out of myself verbally, so perhaps this is a venue in which I can try to unleash some of my confusion, resentment and outright rage.

I have shied away from talking about my dad in the past few months, because I imagine that if I talk about him like he's gone, then it makes it all the more real to admit that he really is gone. And I get so angry to think that he's never going to walk through the door covered in mud (he was a dry waller, so I mean that sort of mud) and dust.

It's even more complicated because I'm not an outright emotional person - at least, in expressing them. I feel things to an acute degree, but generally reserve emotional outbursts for the quiet solitude of my bedroom, or some other secluded spot. It worries people in my family, which is a just assumption - and perhaps I'm not dealing with this in the healthiest manner, but I am trying.

Every day is lived moment to moment, breath to breath.

It's exhausting to just exist, but add in a full course load, a part time job and the stress of ensuring that my mom is doing okay - and you get the heaviest stupor imaginable.

I have made some time for me - I went to a Seether concert in August, I just attended the Renaissances Festival last weekend, and I try to read my favourite blogs for an uplifting twist to my week.

I feel scrambled most of the time (something resembling this entire blog post, actually). And, of course, I still have to deal with new disappointments, endings, beginnings and pains that, while incomparable, only compile upon the constant stream of stress that I live within.

I really have strayed away from my original message for this post - but I'm not sorry that I did, sometimes all that is needed is talking (verbally or nonverbally is really not that important).

The main thing is: no one is alone - because there is always someone out there willing to listen. So please, if you learn nothing else from this rambling mess, please take away from this the message that you are not alone.

If you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself or are contemplating suicide, please call your local crisis center, because you are not alone in this.

Loss.

So, it's been months (literally) since I've blogged. I would say I apologize, but I'm not at all sorry for the intervening months.

On June 16, 2010 my dad passed away.

I really haven't come to terms with that, nor do I think I can really comprehend that it really happened.

I don't want to abandon my original goal for this blog however - to really get to a place, internally, where I'm happy with myself.

Obviously, this has set me backwards - pushed me backwards is probably more accurate. - But more than that, it's like my entire world (and the world that every member of my family belongs to) has been plunged into darkness. I cannot honestly say I wake up glad to "just be alive" every morning - some days are more difficult, while others are almost bearable.

I do know that I'm glad I am alive, because he isn't. He can't experience the warmth of the sun, the wet of the rain, or the cold of the wind anymore. It's hard to even wrap my head around. It doesn't make sense, none of this does - nothing that has happened in the past few months has any rhyme, or reason.

I can't change what happened. There really is nothing else to do, but endure, survive, live.

So that's my message today: Live.

Live now, because you don't always have as much time as you imagine.

Heat, cemeteries and hoses.

I think my tolerance to heat has gone down, dramatically.

My parents, my nieces and I went to the cemeteries yesterday to put flowers on everyone's graves - which alone, is fine. But it was nearing the 90 degree weather from hell. That coupled with two kids under the age of 6 makes life a little suckfestish.

Livy (3, youngest) is very intolerant of heat, so she was being carried by this point - because the little plastic wagon was not good enough to lay in. Obviously. And Emma (5, eldest) is a whiner, who finds fault in all things - even if she is the one that dictated it. They're both adorable, generally well-behaved kids, but sheesh - can they whine.

Also, unlike my sister and I - who went to the cemeteries every year - these two were unfamiliar with the custom of not walking on or kicking headstones. I nearly melted with embarrassment/over-heat-ment (?) by the time we left. I'm pretty sure some long-deceased people did a 180 in their graves yesterday. Awesome. I really hope I don't get haunted because of this.

At least it was time to tan and relax after those exhausting three hours (was it only three hours? it felt like a whole day). Of course, my nieces are in love with the hose - and they sprayed everyone in the face at least once.

Always a nice treat when you're on a chair, eyes closed, stretched out like a cat.

So, here's to hoping no ghosts show up and possess my body and/or do me mass amounts of damage over the whole grave-disrespects. Sorry dead people? ...yeah.

Home, garage sale finds and Seether.

So, I've officially been home for over a week now and wow.

I'm sort of ready to go somewhere else for just a little while. Don't get me wrong, I adore being home - but it's sort of hard to not be able to make the decisions after having done so for around 10 months prior to now. Although, it does have it's advantages - like no rent, free food and better cable. So... I should stop complaining now (easier said than done?).

I totally went garage saling (total addict right here) yesterday and Friday - and I made some remarkable finds: one red leather circa-late 90's Buffy-style jacket, gold Marie Antoinette heels and an incredibly angry piggy bank.

I'm nearly certain that my finds are better than anyone else's from yesterday. For real.

Besides finding a shit-ton of stuff (that I probably didn't need) at garage sales, I've been planning my end of summer adventures - and yes, I'm doing it already, I'm a planner, y'all.

My friends and I are going to enjoy the festive nature of the Renaissance Festival at the end of August, THEN we're going to rock the State Fair - and see Seether in concert. My life has been plagued with people who have seen Seether in concert before - and I have yet to be so lucky (woe be my life) - so now I will finally get to say I have seen them, finally. Hinder and Black Stone Cherry shall be there as well, and they're both delicious in concert, people.

That's all I have to update about - now off to sort crap for my own garage sale. Huzzah.

Supported, thankful and incredibly grateful.

So I'm taking a minute to count down my days till I'm done with this school year, and then I'll be back in the safe confines of my hometown.

Three.

Only three days.

I'm shocked, excited, nostalgic, perplexed and antsy all at the same time. I cannot believe this year has finally gotten over with - but I'm also shocked that it's over already. It's like having a duel timeline living inside my brain.

This has been the hardest year of my academic life, because coupled with a more challenging school environment - I was also faced with living alone for the first time ever, in a new city, where I knew so few people it was nearly ridiculous to have come at all.

But I did grow as a person. I found out I could do it, and that I wasn't helpless on my own. I'm a capable person; I'm a resourceful person; I'm able to confront problems and deal with them. These are things that, while I had guessed at before, I'm certain of now. However, I could not have learned any of these things if it weren't for the amazing people in my life.

I really could not have accomplished any of this if it weren't for all of you who've helped me through it - my friends who put up with my whining, bitching and moaning constantly. Those are the people I cannot thank enough, can not adore enough.

If it weren't for your willingness to put up with all my complaints and qualms, I would not have been able to keep (what's left of) my sanity during this extremely confusing time in my life. I know I could not have survived if it weren't for my friends who, even being miles away from me, stayed close to me.

Whether you're a new friend or an old friend, nearby or far away, I say thank you.

Everyone needs a support system, a group of people who they can turn to in times of need, in times of hardship - and I found out who those people are in my life; even if we're not able to always be present in each other's lives in the flesh, we're still able to share our woes and joys via so many other means of communication - whether it's Facebook, Twitter or just old fashioned emails.

I'm so incredibly grateful to have you all in my life, you are absolutely wonderful - each and every one of you.